Behind the Mask
The Quieter Side of Narcissism
By Ryne Rush, LSW, Life Balance Counseling, Peoria
Most people have a familiar image that comes to mind when they imagine a narcissist. They picture someone who is loud, arrogant, dismissive, [text obscured] to command all the attention in the room. They might [text obscured] their will and their needs, with little respect or regard for the boundaries of those around them. They may remember feelings of unease from interacting with someone whose overinflated ego reduced everyone else to existing in their shadow. To live with such a person can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. But what if narcissism doesn't always look like narcissism?
My experience working with individuals with various personality disorders has taught me to look well beyond the surface. Few things illustrate this profound complexity better than narcissism. There is often a much deeper story to be told about the lives of such individuals, and trying to understand them based on what we see is akin to judging a tree by its bark, ignoring the many rings tucked away in its trunk.
The truth is, however, that narcissism is not always loud and arrogant. In fact, it is often hard to recognize. The stereotypical depiction of a narcissist certainly exists, often referred to as "overt" narcissism, and it closely resembles the traditional clinical picture of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But it is not the only way narcissistic pathology can present.
"Covert" or "vulnerable" narcissism is often expressed in much more subtle ways, such as insecurity, withdrawal, an intolerance for rejection, or resentment. People who experience this type of narcissism may appear to be quiet, shy, and in constant need of approval. This presentation is a far cry from the grandiose, self-important, egotistical depiction that most people have come to associate with narcissism, but it is a form of narcissism nonetheless. The commonalities between the covert and overt forms of narcissism are incredibly important, because feelings of insecurity and sensitivity alone do not equal narcissism.
The roots of narcissism, regardless of form, extend far below the surface of the grandiose behaviors or the heightened emotional sensitivity. Beneath these appearances, narcissism can be fueled by a fragile and unstable sense of self that requires many layers of protection to hold together. This sense of self may have been formed through years of shame, humiliation, rejection, and neglect. In her book, Disarming the Narcissist (3rd Ed.), Wendy Behary, LCSW, describes narcissistic defenses as ways of protecting deep-seated insecurities from further hurt, humiliation, disappointment, or exploitation. She goes on to describe how their painful childhood memories help formulate schemas, a core concept in Jeffrey Young's Schema Therapy: "The repetitive and painful feelings soon became file folders within his brain harboring the intractable 'truths' that will define him. His schemas acted as a blueprint for his emotional architecture."
While understanding and empathizing with individuals with narcissistic personalities can have profound effects on repairing these relationships, there is an important distinction to be made. Understanding them does not mean excusing their behaviors. Having compassion for them does not mean abandoning your personal boundaries. In The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W., emphasizes the importance of establishing and respecting boundaries, a process she refers to as "empowerment," when trying to maintain healthy relationships with people who have narcissistic patterns. Boundaries exist first and foremost to protect your own emotional well-being. They can also help create healthier relational patterns without unnecessarily reinforcing maladaptive behaviors.
These boundaries can become especially important when dealing with the quieter, more vulnerable side of narcissism, where the patterns may be much harder to recognize within close relationships. Instead of making themselves the pompous, ever-important figurehead of the family, a person with covert narcissistic patterns may engage in repeated acts of kindness or become overly affectionate in ways that also serve a need for attention, praise, or reassurance. They may feel a sense of importance by being the unselfish helper in the family, for example. The kindness itself may be genuine, but problems can arise when the relationship becomes dependent on receiving recognition, appreciation, or emotional validation in return.
My hope is this: it has become evident at this point that there is more to understand about narcissistic personalities than meets the eye. It is equally as important to mention that narcissism is only one of many personality styles that deserve our attention. And while understanding what makes everyone's personality unique is important, it is even more imperative that we gain a better understanding of our own true self, our boundaries, and our emotional needs. There are many resources to help with that. You can talk with a therapist, join a support group, attend community health fairs, or visit your local library. Stay safe. Stay healthy. You deserve it.
For more information or if you would like to schedule an appointment, you can contact 309-296-0078 or email scheduling@lifebalancecounselingpeoria.com.
Life Balance Counseling Peoria, PLLC
7625 N. University St., Suite B1