Sex, Love and Autism
By Ashley Heeren, LPC, Life Balance Counseling Peoria
My daughter was diagnosed with autism at the age of three, and I remember the flood of emotions and thoughts that came with that moment. Still, what has always mattered most to me is human connection, something that is often misunderstood in the autistic community, especially in conversations about relationships. I recently read Love, Sex, and Autism: The Radical Truth About Intimacy and Neurodifference by Candice Christiansen.
The book offers an eye-opening look at intimacy within the neurodivergent community. Drawing from both professional and personal experience, Christiansen creates a thoughtful guide for neurodivergent individuals and their partners. She challenges the long-standing stereotype that neurodivergent people are emotionally distant or uninterested in relationships and instead emphasizes their deep capacity for love, intimacy, and connection. Christiansen also explores how sensory sensitivities, communication differences, and social expectations shape romantic and sexual experiences. Rather than treating these differences as deficits, she presents them as important parts of neurodivergent identity that can be understood and supported. One of the book's strongest themes is the way sensory processing affects intimacy. Christiansen explains that many autistic individuals experience sound, touch, lighting, smells, and physical closeness differently than neurotypical people. I have seen this in my own daughter, who does not like to hug or have people too close unless she initiates it. She is also easily overstimulated by loud noises and large crowds, so if she knows she will be in a noisy environment, she wears noise-canceling headphones. Because of needs like these, relationships and sexual experiences can become overwhelming or uncomfortable when those needs are ignored. Christiansen argues that these sensitivities are not problems to be fixed, but important forms of communication that deserve understanding and respect.
The book also explores the idea of hiding emotions in relationships. Christiansen describes how autistic people often hide their true reactions, emotions, and needs to meet social expectations. She explains that this masking can continue into romantic and sexual relationships, leading to emotional exhaustion and disconnection. In discussing her own experiences, she emphasizes how pretending during intimacy or suppressing discomfort can create shame and confusion. Her writing encourages autistic adults to communicate openly about pleasure, consent, emotional needs, and sensory preferences. She shows that intimacy becomes healthier when both partners feel safe enough to stop performing and start being authentic.
Another important topic in the latter half of the book is rejection sensitivity and emotional vulnerability. Christiansen explains that many autistic individuals experience rejection intensely, often carrying years of bullying, isolation, or social misunderstanding into adulthood. She discusses how this fear of rejection can affect dating, communication, and conflict within relationships. According to Christiansen, many autistic people come to expect abandonment or criticism because of past experiences, which can lead to defensiveness, anxiety, or difficulty trusting partners. By addressing rejection sensitivity so openly, the book validates emotions that are often misunderstood or minimized by society.
In addition, Christiansen discusses the importance of stimming and emotional regulation in relationships. She explains that behaviors often seen as unusual or inappropriate may actually help autistic individuals feel calm, grounded, and emotionally secure. When partners better understand these behaviors, relationships can become more compassionate and accepting. Rather than pressuring autistic individuals to appear normal, Christiansen advocates for acceptance of neurodiverse communication styles and coping strategies.
As I reflect on Candice Christiansen's book, I see many of the same struggles my daughter has faced. In a world often shaped by rigid social expectations about how people should think, feel, speak, and behave, autism stands apart in its own beautiful way. Individuals with autism often move through the world to the beat of their own drum. Their strength, honesty, and unique ways of connecting with others deserve not only understanding but also genuine admiration, patience, and a willingness to listen more deeply. Recently, my daughter wrote a script for a TED Talk in one of her college classes, and I would love to share the final lines from her speech.
"Let us say you are going to a foreign country and do not understand the language being spoken. That does not mean you are lacking; it simply means you have to find a unique way to communicate. Autism and communication are very much like that. The more people in the community embrace these differences, the more we can be understood. If the world stops asking autistic people to change who they are and instead learns how they communicate, we do not just help them be heard. We all become better listeners."
As both the parent of an autistic 20-year-old and a therapist, I found this book informative, deeply compassionate, and empowering. I have learned so much about the need for human connection simply by watching my daughter. If you or someone you love faces similar challenges, I highly recommend this book.
For more information or if you would like to schedule an appointment, you can contact 309-296-0078 or email scheduling@lifebalancecounselingpeoria.com.
Life Balance Counseling Peoria, PLLC
7625 N. University St., Suite B1
Peoria, IL 61614